Vampires Suck!

I honestly didn’t think there could be a worse movie than House of the Dead or Sucker Punch, but the people who put together this terrible monstrosity certainly proved me wrong. Oh wait, did I give it all away too soon? If you want to read me rip a movie apart, you’re not going to be disappointed.

From the same people that brought you: Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie and the only one of their films that was actually decent: Scary Movie, comes Vampires Suck, a spoof-film based on the retardedly popular Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight novels. Becca is a socially awkward girl forced to move back home to Sporks to live with her dad. At her new high school, she immediately has a connection with the ever pale and broody, Edward Sullen, who she later finds out is a vampire. They fall in love and evil vampires come along to stop them from living happily ever after. Oh, and there is a werewolf who secretly pines for Becca too.

Let’s get right into it, shall we? I have no problem with spoof films – I even liked Scary Movie (sort of), but it’s insulting as a movie goer to sit through this garbage that clearly didn’t have a iota of thought behind it beyond the desire to make money.

Hot Fuzz, the Naked Gun or Hot Shots series and even Austin Powers (the first one) are all good examples of a great parody film. They’re clever and funny and most importantly, they don’t make fun of their audience. What they do successfully is poke fun at a genre of films in a way that doesn’t discredit them. It’s like teasing your best friend, it’s playful and never mean spirited.

Get it? He sparkles.

This heaping, steaming pile doesn’t cater to any audience. People who aren’t fond of the Twilight series, certainly aren’t going to go and spend money to watch a movie that makes fun of it (not when they can do it from the comfort of their own home) and not to the fans of the franchise. It makes fun of them directly, as if they’re incredibly stupid for being interested in the Bella and Edward whirlwind romance.

Now, before I continue. I want to make it clear. I don’t like Twilight. I’ve seen the first movie and it was enough for me to shrivel away from it like a classic vampire from a crucifix. What I do acknowledge is that a lot of people do – a lot of teenage girls do, and I know when I was that age, I liked a whole bunch of terrible shit.

Back to the movie. So great, you’ve completely insulted a generation of fan girls, and lonely moms. That was your first mistake. The second? Writing a script that doesn’t have a single laugh. I’m not kidding – I didn’t laugh once. I wasn’t even smiling through the entire hour and a half that this was streaming from my computer. The comedic value can be summed up with: fart/burp jokes, pop culture references that will be irrelevant in ten years, and over the top violence. A Jersey Shore joke? Oh, how hilarious.

Werewolf Dance Number. What?

The acting, unfortunately isn’t very good either and to be fair to the large cast, I mostly blame the writing. The characters have no depth and nothing interesting to say that it’s like watching an episode of the Big Bang Theory! and watching the inane back and forth banter until the pause for the laugh-track. I will give big props to Matt Lanter, who plays Edward Sullen, for being so broody that he could give both Angel and Dylan McKay a run for their money. In some ways, I actually liked him better than Robert Pattinson. Brief appearances by Ken Jeong (Community) and Crista Flanagan (MadTV, Mad Men) only depresses me. People who are funny for a living should have read the script and known better.

In the end, I just want to clear up one small tiny little detail: vampires don’t suck, this movie does.

Netflix Rating: *
My Rating: 0 – Yup, you don’t get a god damn star.

F*ck you, movie.

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