Rule 34: Spider-Man XXX, A Porn Parody

Just like Fight Club, Vegas, and other hives of senseless gratification, the Internet has it’s own set of rules.  The 34th rule is this: “There is porn of it.  No exceptions”.  You’re about to discover just how true that statement is.

For our second foray into the world of parody porn, I bring you a more recent gem from the mind of Axel Braun; Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody (of course, NSFW).  While Spider-Man XXX didn’t enjoy the same level of widespread commercial success as Batman XXX, Spider-Man was no less perfectly executed to match it’s source material.  While that source material isn’t as distinct as that of Batman XXX, Spider-Man XXX still feels like a legitimate outing for the web-head, just an outing that gets sexy every now and again.  The first 3 minutes is Marvel name-drop central; everyone from the Fantastic Four to Juggernaut to even Kraven gets a mention in J Jonah Jameson’s opening rant, something that instantly filled me simple fangirl-ish glee and had me stoked for an hour and a half of excellence.

But once again, it starts out a bit rough.  Axel seems to start his porns on the most random couples, always saving to pairings you want to see for later.  In this case, it opens up with none other than Robbie Robertson and Betty Brant in some random warehouse hallway in the Daily Bugle.  It’s easily the worst scene in the movie; the positions are awkward, there’s no chemistry, it runs far too long, and Tyler Knight’s spray-on frosted hair is surprisingly distracting.  You can actually see the point where hair & make-up stopped caring.  Things improve a little in the next scene, featuring Electro and some random hooker, but only for the money shot.  I don’t want to reveal exactly what happens (that’s right, these porno’s are so high-end there’s spoilers), but I will say this.  Brendon and I were hoping for it three minutes in, and when it actually happened, I at least was a giddy giggling fit.  But my favorite scene of the movie is the famous upside down kiss from Raimi’s first Spider-Man movie, that goes a bit further and becomes an upside down blowjob.  Everything about it was both hilarious and wonderful.  The lighting was all soft and romantic as was the music (which I was happy to hear play through the whole scene, unlike in Batman XXX where it faded out after about 5 minutes), Capri Anderson is a far better (and hotter) Mary Jane than Kirsten Dunst could ever hope to be, and initiation of the whole thing was probably the hardest I’ve laughed in any porno.  The only downside to an upside down blowjob is that blood is rushing all over the place, so Capri had to work extra hard for the pay-off.  There were also a couple times when she tried to cradle his balls out of habit only to grope around empty air for a few seconds before remembering that this time they’re on top.

The props in this one as far as acting is concerned goes to Robert Black for a damn good JJ Jameson, and Peter O’Toole for not only a decent Kingpin, but being the first guy to actually look like Kingpin.  Don’t worry, neither gets a sex scene.  Actually, once again, everyone looked perfect.  Even Flash Thompson, in his obnoxious varsity sweater, looked the part.  But when it came to the actual sexing, no one really stood out for me.  While Xander Corvus managed a respectable performance as both dorky Peter Parker and snarky Spider-Man, he was actually surprisingly awkward when it got down to the sex, which I guess could kind of be in character?  There were several instances in his scene with Black Widow (Brooklyn Lee, randomly in Widow’s classic Avengers West Coast costume which I dug so much) where he went in to lick her breast, but kept forgetting he was wearing a mask and just ended up smacking his face into her boobs instead.  I guess if I have to award anything with anything, it goes to Capri Anderson for being the MJ I always wanted (and for delivering the classic “Face it tiger” line, even if it didn’t come at a super awkward moment) and Ash Hollywood for not only being a great Gwen Stacy, but for having a scene with MJ (hilariously justified within the porn as ‘they were all horny and curious after watching Black Swan’).

But the most exciting thing about this parody was the ending.  Not for the money shot, and not in that because-it-was-finally-over sarcastic way.  No, I loved the ending because not only did it set itself up for a sequel (featuring Doc Ock in what I can only hope is going to be that weird-ass story arc where he actually seduces and tries to marry Aunt May), but a tie in for The Avengers.  Vivid Superhero is actually parodying not only their movies and characters individually, but Marvel’s arcing Avengers movie tie-ins as a whole.  But Vivid isn’t confined by silly things like copyright and character ownership, and so, Spider-Man is actually going to be a part of said Avengers.  That’s right people; Axel Braun’s porno’s are now truer to the comics and Marvel Studios’ actual films.  If that doesn’t get you hyped, I don’t know what will.

And even if the first two sex scenes are rough and the fight is silly and the CGI is, well, exactly what you’d expect…you can be damn sure Spider-Man XXX is still better than the musical.

So do I, Peter. So do I.

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