Rule #34: Grand Theft Auto XXX Parody

Just like Fight Club, Vegas, and other hives of senseless gratification, the Internet has it’s own set of rules.  The 34th rule is this: “There is porn of it.  No exceptions”.  You’re about to discover just how true that statement is.

Well, I guess they can’t all be good.

In an effort not to go through all my A-material right away, a vague search for “parody porn” was done in hopes of finding something new and fresh that I hadn’t heard of before.  As a result, I stumbled across GTA XXX.  It seemed the most obvious thing in the world, and with scenarios of mid-car chase sex running through my head, it was immediately procured.  Then, about two hours later, I was immediately disappointed.

It was a GTA parody in name alone. After doing some more research and discovering that this is Daring! Media’s first foray into parody porn, I’m not surprised.  However, I’m not actually sure if the creators have ever played a Grand Theft Auto game.  For starters, I had no idea which one it was supposed to be.  The cover made it look like it was going to be IV.  I went in hoping it was IV (cause Niko is my absolute favorite), and my spirits were lifted when I saw someone listed as ‘Dimitri’ in the opening credits.  But that’s as happy as I ever got.  Dimitri turned out to be nothing more that some generic wannabe Russian gangster who has called in by his actual Russian gangster cousin Yuri to collect on some debts (which I guess is more proof this is supposed to be a parody of IV…at least from the cousins standpoint).  But Yuri insists on doing things “the Russian way”, which apparently just involves killing people who don’t pay up and ending the day not only with a trail of bodies, but no money to show for it.  Russian gangsters must be very short sighted.  There was one car jacking, but that was about as GTA as it ever got.

Not only was the story terrible, but the sex was as well.  It just looked, dirty.  Not the good dirty, the bad dirty.  I think a lot of this came from the actors and, believe it or not, the lighting.  You honestly have no idea how much of a different soft, even lighting makes to a sex scene until you’ve seen the opposite.  Another big problem was the fact that none of the main characters were the ones having the sex; all the scenes were given to random people who owed Dimitri money and their equally random whoreish companions.  I spent the whole movie waiting for Yuri to finally have a chance, and at least his (the very last scene) was the least disappointing.  But even that couldn’t distract from the fact that if not for location changes, each of the scenes was the same; equally boring and awkward and playing out exactly the same.  No one seemed to be able to get into the rhythm or even find a position that didn’t look like they were about to fall off whatever they were perched on.  There was one moment in the second scene between some rich guy and his anonymous mistress where I couldn’t tell whose limbs belonged to who.  I swear there was an extra pair of arms.  It also doesn’t say anything for the scenes when I’m distracted by the fact that there’s a pizza box just sitting there in Dimitri’s scene, or how painfully awkward the actor in the first scene looked taking off his socks.

Even technically it was bad.  I’ve never actually directed any anger in a cameraman’s direction while watching porn, but there’s a first time for everything.  Terrible jumpy zooms, weird framing, and unflattering angles are just some of the glaring problems with GTA XXX.  Add to that jarring cuts and horribly bright outdoor scenes and I actually wound up with a headache; an honest to goodness headache.  From porn.  Seriously, during the close-ups in the outdoor scenes, the flashes of over-exposed light in between thrusts made the scene difficult to watch on even a physical level, doubly so in the dark (who watches porn with the lights on anyway?).

And the music…  If Spider-Man XXX’s music was so good I actually wanted the score, GTA XXX’s is the complete opposite of.  It’s not just your typical, raunchy, saxophone-laden porn music from the ’80s.  Oh no.  It’s like, the elevator-music equivalent.  It’s dull and droning and nondescript and plays non-stop through every single scene.  When all you’ve got to look at is terrible, the least they could have done was given you something nice to listen to.

In short, this was a student porn parody; low budget in every sense of the word.  If I have to give this movie any props, they go to Kagney Linn Karter’s (who I’m now very excited to see as Supergirl in Bluebird Film’s Katwoman XXX) “fully loaded” boobs (yes, that’s an actual description taken straight from the porn), despite the fact that they spend almost the entire time facing away from the camera, just out of frame, or obscured by a t-shirt.  It’s like they didn’t want to be associated with the movie.  Oh, and I guess I’ll mention the sniper rifle, because I honestly think that’s where all of their budget went.

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