FEAST

The whole zombie genre is getting tired as of late, and sadly this isn’t limited to the film industry. Books, comics, television and video games have been overcome by the horde of the walking dead. Thankfully this week’s movie has nothing to do with the shuffling corpses with a craving for brains, but I can imagine you all wondering why it is that I’d even bother mentioning them at all.

Here’s why.

Zombie flicks aren’t any different that the standard creature feature, I’d actually argue that they fit in that category until their popularity exploded. And so this type of film follows a very simple standard: monster be it of the supernatural variety (zombie, demon, and tire – see Rubber) or an animal gone wild (giant shark, alligator and octopus) will terrorize a small clustering of people until all but a few (sometimes just the one) are dead. I guess I’m just curious as to why so many people rely on the unyielding horde so much to tell the same tired story, when the vault of ugly beasts seems endless.

Which brings us to this week’s review of 2005’s Feast. This film was birthed from the third season “Project Greenlight,” a reality series that has aspiring filmmakers compete for the chance to become famous.

“Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.” ~Beer Guy

Synopsis

DVD Box Art

An unsuspecting gaggle of regulars and some slightly irregulars of a local watering hole become the victims of large, sharp-toothed gargoyle like creatures after an unnamed Hero and Heroine burst through the doors in search of shelter.

…Yeah, that’s really it.

Unskilled and untrained people try to fend off monsters that have appeared with seemingly no explanation.

…I don’t have anything else to add at this point.

I feel like I need to fill up this space with something.

…A moose once bit my sister.

Thoughts

Only thing missing is 'measurements'

I didn’t have a lot of expectations from this movie beyond the fact that Netflix wouldn’t stop recommending it to me. I figured that a soulless technology at this day and age would no better than me, so I obeyed. The first ten minutes were actually promising, we’re introduced to the abnormally large cast (which only suggests that most will be ripped to shreds halfway through) with adorable little character score cards. When these were flashed across the screen with their cheeky sense of humour, I was hoping that this film would dazzle me with blood, gore and witty dialogue very much along the same lines as From Dusk til Dawn or any GOODGrindhouse film. Unfortunately, while it produced the first two items on that list – it was severely lacking in the last, and for me, the most important.

The script was dry and peppered with all of the typical lines all heavily saturated with swear words to make the characters seem that much more bad ass than the actually were and there were SO MANY of them that I really couldn’t have cared less if any of them lived. This would be acceptable if the monster in question was interesting a la Freddy Krueger (who most of the time I’m cheering for to win anyways), but when they’re voiceless monsters, it just makes the movie dull. To make matters worse, the writer sticks it to us really good by giving none of them names – they are: Beer Guy, Hot Wheels, Bozo, Bartender, Honey Pie, Hero, Heroine, etc.

His Dentist Bill Must Be Horrendous!

What was cool? The monsters. Not in the actual film itself, but in appearance. They’re these hulking, fleshy masses with smooth heads filled with giant teeth. It’s a shame that for most of the movie we really don’t get a chance to look at them. Constantly in the shadows or only viewed through the cracks of the barricaded doors and windows. The concept of them is totally brutal though. What was really gross? One of the monsters is neutered and for nearly a minute we have some creature cock flopping around on the bar floor. Funny? Yes, absolutely but even that becomes a running gag that drags on way too long (like most SNL skits of the last two decades).

You can expect all sorts of deliciously disgusting dismemberment: blood squirts, intestines are strewn about like streamers at a surprise party, heads are squished, toes shot off, leg sliced at the knee, and the afore mentioned monster wang doing the electric slide in front of those who have yet to die. It’s all well thought out and expertly executed, but because of the rest of the movie is so lacking, it was hard for even this to keep me interested.

Oh, did I mention that Henry Rollins was in it? Yeah, that was enough to win me over – and by ‘win over’ I mean that I watched it until the end. I love that man. Seriously.

Henry Rollins is too sexy for his shirt.. and should take it off immediately.

Verdict

A stronger script could have made this great. The monsters were awesome to look at (when we could see them), the gore was excessive, the violence never-ending and the cast was filled with all sorts of delicious stereotypes which could have been exploited to the point of hilarity. It seems like a waste of potential and that makes me sad.

I feel like the director/writer duo thought that they were being subtle with their wink-wink, nudge-nudge hijinks or thought that I was so stupid that they needed to prolong each joke for far too long just to make sure I got it (like any episode of the Big Bang Theory).

Back to my point about zombies. It sure seems like I’ve taken a big steaming pile all over this movie, doesn’t it? But I didn’t hate it. I appreciated that some unknown creature filled the role of the brainless undead, and that there was an attempt made to create a different feeling than some end-of-the-world melodrama when the easy route could have been taken. So for that, this didn’t completely suck – those responsible should clap themselves on the back.

Netfix Rating: *** 1/4
My Rating: ** 1/2

R.I.P Blockbuster & Rogers Video

Frightening Facts

McSteamy with a Shotgun

-The sequels are aptly named: Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds and Feast 3: The Happy Finish

-Matt Damon and Ben Affleck produced this movie. I can only hope it had something to do with the fact that they were also involved with that television show.

-McSteamy aka Eric Dane is in the movie for nearly ten minutes.

-Jay aka Jason Mewes is in the movie for fifteen minutes. Snooch-to-the-mothafuckin-Booch!

– John Gulager was named “Best Director” for Feast at Fantastic Fest 2005.

-Seeing Henry Rollins in his tighty whiteys got me really excited.

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